everyone's an artist and everything is art

Ok, so I thought it had stopped, I mean he still held his fist up and gave his signature glare from...

Mon, 10 Jun 2013 14:34:26 -0400

Ok, so I thought it had stopped, I mean he still held his fist up and gave his signature glare from time to time but that was only if I had fogotten to do something for him or mum or if I was beinging silly, it hadn’t happened since around the time my boyfriend moved to australlia cause dad was busy with work since around that time.. He actually didn’t mind my boyfriend despite the fact he was 20 and mum thought he was too old for me at 17.. I don’t really know why he liked him but I’m glad he did cause that meant I could see him… But then when my boyfriend moved to australlia about 2months ago I started looking for a job to fill my spare time when my exams ended and I got one yay! But mum has been making cruel jokes at my expence since about me being to stupid to work, so tonight I started to make some of the same jokes about her and she got mad then when my siblings laughed at the dinner table at me using a joke she had used against me but I said it about her this time. She didn’t like that they laughed and was already angry so hit me with her kitchen towel and yelled at me to get out… It was quite a funny site her yelling and jumping around with the kiten cloth so my younger two siblings were in hysterics (I don’t blame them, I would’ve laughed too if it didn’t hurt my bad back and knee - which I’m only) and anyway I said no, I was on my way out to feed the dog but I still needed shoes and I wasn’t about to go out in my fave fluffy socks?! Anyway they were still laughing so mum ran and locked her self in the bathroom and cried (I don’t know why?) All the while screaming spiteful things at me. So I left to feed the dog and when I came back my younger brother was knocking on the window telling me not to come in if I wanted to be able to do my exams next week… So this is why I’m here taking panic attack after panic attack, hiding from dad when I should be studying… He’ll find me soon then I can get it over and done with, take some painkillers, cover up the bruises and go back to study because acing these exams is the only thing that’s going to get me out of here.

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Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:51:48 -0500

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Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:51:16 -0500

there are always people in worse situations than you out there...

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:50:35 -0500

there are always people in worse situations than you out there and we need to remember that and that is why I am going to go on and I am going to live a good and hopefully happy life in the future and help children who’se voice is taken away by abuse or anyone for that matter who has someone they love hurting them. life’s just not fair an we’ve got to live with it.

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Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:47:42 -0500

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Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:47:02 -0500

i just need to get away from here, from life.

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 16:40:04 -0500

today was the day i stood up to him. he hasn’t hurt me bad yet but he told me it’s coming ‘you don’t know what you’ve unleashed, you have no idea what I’m going to do to you know’ *then throws a chair across the room an it breaks. mum and sister stand and watch, sis crying*

Anyway this is what happened and i know I’m slightly in the wrong but I’m stressed and need to study’

i knew i had to say it or he’d hurt one of them instead so when he was flying off the head about me and my sister being messy because our desk was covered with stuff from studying, he picked up a jaffa cake box as an example to which i joked ‘it’s the jaffa cake monster’ -(a joke between me mum and my sister) This is when he got properly mad and kept saying we had to spend all the next week cleaning. I got mad because I have AS level exams to revise for on Wednesday and I know I shouldn’t have said it, so really its my fault but i said ‘i have an exam to revise for!I’m already behind and I’m going to end up failing now! I’ll clean when I can and wont spend all my time cleaning like an old housewife’ the minute I said it I knew i should have. I couldn’t look at him, I was so scared, then he had his fist in my face and me up against the wall he was yelling ‘this is what you’re going to get. you’ve had it coming to you’ and he yelled a lot more about how all he was doing was learning me to tidy for my own good and saying i was calling my mum an old fishwife and had disrespected her so i needed to be taught a lesson.

I finally whispered ’you do all your teaching with your fists, all i want to do is revise for my exam.’

Then there was silence for what seemed a year but was truly a second, i heard mum shout ‘leave it, dont’ and that’s when he started smashing up the room, when he lifted the chair, he said ‘you’re gong to regret saying that. you see this chair this could be you. you’re lucky its not you’ and he threw it at the floor and smashed it up.

He then went outside stood at the door still talking about how disrespectful i was and that if i felt that way about him and mum i could just leave he doesn’t want me anyway and then ran back into the room i was in grabbed and held my hair from the back shouting other threatening things and that he was doing to good for me and always is. I know that but I needed to revise more than clean atm so it wasn’t that much for the best was it?

But he didn’t really hurt me so this times no worse than the rest so its fine, it is he hasn’t done anything wrong. I just need to calm down.

Anyway sorry for moaning and complaining, dad says its all i ever do, but i needed t get this out of my system so I can stop shaking and crying and thinking about the fact he hasn’t really hurt me yet and just get on with my studying. I’m being silly now. Just needed someone to talk to and as my friends are being weird. tumblr you are my savior from doing something silly to leave this cruel world as I’m over reacting and typing it out helps me understand and get over it.

OK I’m fine, iIm good, bye. B x

ARRGGHHHHHHH.

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 18:31:08 -0500

why do people feel the need to constantly put other views or things people do down just because they couldn’t do it or don’t want to or simply have a different belief? everyone is different and that is wonderful and people should accept others and their beliefs instead of being closed minded, self centered and non accepting and shooting people down the minute they open their mouths basing all their thought on prejudices and favoritism.

rant over.

B x

eeeek! won a competition for my art & ima buy myself a pink...

Fri, 16 Nov 2012 12:35:53 -0500

eeeek! won a competition for my art & ima buy myself a pink one of these with the prize money!

love this!

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 13:57:03 -0500

love this!

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Sun, 11 Nov 2012 12:11:15 -0500

block it all out

let it all out

the blame game and i get scared

being hurt or abused (whether its emotionally, physically or sexually) by someone who you love and...

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 11:49:00 -0500

being hurt or abused (whether its emotionally, physically or sexually) by someone who you love and trust with your life whether its family or friend is the most degrading and awful thing anyone will ever experience and you never get over it so why can’t everyone just look at themselves and their actions and be genuinely good human beings because after all we all deserve the same rights to happiness as anyone and everyone and I know everyone has their flaws and I’m not saying I’m perfect but why do people do the terrible things they do? why do people want to cause others pain and misery ? It’s uncomprehensible in my mind.

i don't want your sympathy.

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 11:33:00 -0500

This is simply a way of letting my feelings out as the only other way I could do it is through art but i’m afraid of him seeing it, this is my outlet so please don’t pity me, embrace me.

I do love my family and we are happy most of the time but there are those times once or twice a day when he loses his temper and I get scared. It’s never to the younger to children of which I am glad because me and my sister can handle it. It’s just on days like these when I feel crap and he starts at his rubbish over something stupid like whose turn it is to do something or that I won’t make him tea because I have an essay to write or art to do for my A levels or when the house is messy. I thinks that’s why I do good at school and why I love art and music because its a way of clearing my head and getting stuck into something away from life. I wrote about it once in an english essay but made out like it wasnt me but by teacher called me back to ‘talk’ so that wasn’t a good idea and I had to find another way to let things out.
It used to be ok because it could text one of my two best friends and they would reassure me and let me go to theirs the next day or go out and get absolutely plastered to forget everything but when the one from my area left school and basically told me she was friends with me and my sister for ‘convenience’ I didn’t really know what to do so I tried to start to confide in my other best friend but she just gets more distant everyday listening to exfriends lies and is too tied up in cheating on her boyfriend to care and any guy I used to confide in found some slut to sleep with and I suddenly didn’t matter so I have turned to tumblr.

Today has been a bad day and I can’t focus on anything but it’s easier when I can let it out like this. God, I sound so pathetic.

Anyway I’m new to this so read my few posts, look at my pics and talk to me if you’re in a similar situation and I’ll try help B x